I noticed that SOMEONE posted a picture of a magician on the Official Instagram Account of the Electric Candygram Podcast today. What the actual fuck is going on here?!? A MAGICIAN? What’s next, are we going to start recording live sacrifices of human children on our pod? DMing Satan for dick pics?

I just don’t understand this. Magicians are just plain evil. They’re like clowns, only without the helpful, unmistakeable warning of rainbow wigs and giant shoes. They’re worse, actually, because they play with your mind, getting you to see things that aren’t there. Or not see things that are there. Or to think that they really care. That they actually like you for you and aren’t just using you for free back rubs, meaningless sex and help with the hard parts of crossword puzzles.

How do you mend a heart that’s been sawed in half?

I’m not saying that answer is a nailgun, but I’m not saying it isn’t either. Fucking magicians.